This is by far the hardest thing I have ever written. So hard that it's taken me 4 years to write it. These past 4 years have been filled with so much ups & downs & I've never seen a family go through more. For me it's been the hardest 5 years. Almost 5 years ago I was in a car accident that I don't know how I survived. But I did & I started to live my life differently after that. I was physically ok after the accident I definitely still have some anxiety from time to time. 95% of the time I am OK but 5% I get anxiety/panic attacks & it's the worst thing ever. I usually get them after watching the news{Natural disasters, mass killings, & all the other sad stuff}. Most of the time I'm ok & push through the anxiety & the fear I got after my accident. I never had anxiety until the accident. I guess when you see your life flash before your eyes you're bound to get some anxiety or post traumatic stress. Pretending you're ok when you're not is so hard to do. But these last 4 years it's what I've done. I just never wanted to add to anyone's stress or heartache. But it's time that I FINALLY let them know what I've been going through & what I've been essential hiding. In May 2010, I felt something on the side of my left neck that felt like a lump. My first thought was it was what my sister had. She had a branchial cleft cyst removed in 2009 from her neck. The thought of it being that made the vein part of me not want to find out if it's that because I don't want a scar. How stupid was I. I think scars are battle wounds with beautiful stories. Stories filled with strength & courage. Then my mind went but what if it's cancer. Cancer runs in my family & I lost too many people with it & that in itself scared me more than anything. A month later in June 2010 my cousin Jill lost her courageous battle with cancer & it scared me even more to find out what this thing was on my neck. I should have said something & not been so afraid of what it was. Life continued to be filled with so much ups & downs for my family until like 2012. I still couldn't find the right time to tell them what was going on. Plus my mom kept on putting off her back fusion surgery & I knew if something was wrong with me she would postpone it. So I watched her go through a tough recovery & figured as soon as she was healed I would say something. But of course something else came up, she got really bad kidney stones. Then my moms cousin was near death & that definitely was not a good time to bring it up. Things would get better but then it would be someone's birthday or holiday & I couldn't ruin their day. I kept on putting my happiness aside so that those I loved had nothing but happiness & joy in their life. I told my self enough is ENOUGH, 2013 I need to come clean. But more shit came up & more health problems for my family. It was literally one thing after the next month by month. I had originally written this letter in July 2013 & had intended to share with my loved ones but something happened In July that stopped me from doing it. A lot of bad shit kept of happening & I almost felt like it was my fault, but I know that it wasn't. Things didn't start to get better until like October 2013 & yet again more it was holidays again. I didn't want to ruin anyone's Thanksgiving or Christmas. The last few years I have been at a hospital so many times I've lost track. I'm so sick of them but I loved being a support system to my loved ones. Just like I'd hope they'd be there for me. 2014 came along & I tried to get things off my mind but yet more sadness happened. In January we lost our oldest dog unexpectedly & it broke my heart & I miss him everyday. Then in February found out my mom needed neck surgery. I was like when is all this shit going to stop. I couldn't say anything until her surgery because I knew she'd postpone it. I couldn't let that happen because she had no spinal fluid & could go paralyzed if she didn't get it done. Her surgery got postponed over & over again because her doctor left. So it wasn't going to happen until April 14th. More waiting for me. On March 15th we were all getting ready to celebrate my moms aunts 80th birthday & we get a phone call saying my moms cousin passed away unexpectedly. It didn't surprise me though. I had a dream months prior that she passed away. She was in her chair & that's how her husband & son found her. I haven't told anyone this. I guess I was kinda scared because of how REAL the dream was & that it actually came true. My moms surgery finally came along & she's starting to heal almost 8 weeks later. This is the only time I can say this or I will continue to keep this to myself. If I don't do this now I might never do it. There's never going to be a good time to say something. They say there's no time like the present. I think I am more scared of telling my family then I am of finding out what this is. I don't want to put anyone through anymore stress or heartache. But keeping this to myself for 4 years has not been easy. I would have completely fallen apart without some amazing shows{One Tree Hill, Chicago Fire/PD}. OTH helped me for 2 & a half years & then when it ended I thought I was going to lose my mind but a new show chicago fire aired & it helped me tremendously & continues to do so. It's funny how shows can completely change your life. Baseball has been my rock & in the last four years the SF Giants have gone to the World Series twice & won. Seeing them play has been everything to me. I don't miss a game. Love my boys. Music has been the one thing that hasn't made me fall completely apart. Music has been my lifeline. Always has been & always will. There's some songs that have helped me in so many ways. Warrior by Demi Lovato is kind of the reason why I got my warrior tattoo as is OTH. That quote & song have helped me in so many ways. It's time for me to do the hardest thing I have ever done & face my fears & let people in on what's been going on. For the last 3 years I have had constant drainage in my throat every single day. It's so gross & I have to clear my throat all the time. For the past couple years I have had cold like symptoms for pretty much everyday. I sneeze all the time & my nose is either stuffed or congested, sore throat every other month or so, earaches & all this other stuff. One thing I noticed was I was getting this little nasty smelling things come up in my throat & I did some research & they're tonsil stones & they are so gross. They give you bad breath no matter how many times you brush your teeth. Never knew they existed but I definitely get them pretty often. I have never complained once. Nor will you ever hear me complain. It's just not me. I want to start feeling better & I want to get this off my chest. I don't want to go through this alone anymore. Whatever is wrong with me I am more than ready to face it head on. Me out of anyone in my family has the best mindset to get through ANYTHING. I am both mentally strong & physically strong. Which is a really good thing. I want my life back & want to go back to school & finally figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. These past 4 years have been hard but I believe everything happens for a reason & the choices you make are for a reason. I don't blame my family at all for being the reason I haven't said anything. It's been my decision not to say anything. I just can't do this anymore. The pretending that everything's ok when it's not. I've learned over the years that it's ok not to be ok & that everything will eventually be OK. So to my family I'm so sorry I haven't said anything & this is they only way I could say everything I needed to say. I have a way with words & I sure couldn't say any of this out loud. I'm still not sure how I'm going to share this with you because I am so scared to. But I know I have to. Please don't be mad at me & please try to be positive with all this because I cannot have any negativeness around me. I don't want to do this alone but I can't have people stressing me out or worrying me. I love you guys so much & sorry this took so long & I'm sorry for any heartache I'm about to to give you. I know in all my heart that everything's going to be ok. If not it will be. Believe it with me & help me through whatever this might be.
All my love,
Kristin
